To Sing With Confidence? What Does It Take?
Posted on 20. Nov, 2009 by Per Bristow in Performance, Singing
What does it really take to become a good singer? The world is after all full of people who really would love to sing, but don’t believe they can. Where does confidence come from? This is a long letter I received which I have gotten permission to publish. There are a lot of issues to address and I have gone ahead and intercepted the letter with some responses. See how this applies to you and/or people you know. here is is:
Dear Per, I was wondering if you could give me some advise on what I wrote below! I know it’s a lot but maybe you could tell me what you think as a professional! When I was younger I used to sing at home around the house to everything, then when I was 8 I recorded myself singing. I listened back to it and it sounded pretty awful and out of tune so I decided never to sing around people again.
Unfortunately, it’s more common than we may think that we make dramatic “decisions” based on some perceived “bad experience” which then affects our lives – even if it is on a subconscious level. It’s sad that this is so common when it comes to singing. We would hopefully not make the decision to stop playing basketball because we happened to miss the first shot we tried? In your case it has nothing to do with your singing ability, but your tendency to make such a judgment about yourself. (As you will see below, there is a reason for this).
Now I’m learning to play acoustic guitar and I sing at home to my CDs. I can reach the high notes the same as the singers singing the songs. Even though I don’t know what it sounds like to anyone else! But I noticed I can’t sing the same when I sing on my own.
Yes, singing a capella (without accompaniment) is a far more advanced skill than singing to music. In The Singing Zone I provide an ear training course, rhythm training course and a music theory course in addition to the voice training, so that you develop these skills also.
A few years back my mom made me enter X factor. I didn’t want to, I don’t have much confidence, I’m quite shy, and I’ve never sung in front of anyone, but I went along. I didn’t have a song prepared, but went with Dimming of The Day. The 3 judges were listening very attentively and I was shaking all over! I got to the chorus but couldn’t reach the high note. It was screechy and out of tune and one of the guys was laughing at me! All I could think about was getting out of the room!
So you made a fool out of yourself. Terrific. Welcome to the club. Now, it might be interesting to know that professionals prepare extensively while beginners tend to wing it. Successful people prepare to succeed. Did you prepare to succeed? Apparently not. It seems pretty obvious you would fail. How could you not? This has nothing to do with your potential to sing. And singing off key and not “reaching” high notes is far more a muscle/mind issue than an ear issue.
Now, why is it that so many want to put themselves in similar situations, but do not want to work hard to prepare? Why do so many seek fame without having done their home work? (you’ll find part of the answer below)
I got some advise and was told the reason that what I hear sounds good but what comes across in the recording and maybe to other people (as I’ve never been told what I sound like) is bad, is because my inner ear isn’t in tune?
Why would it be in tune if you have never sung before, especially a cappella in front of people? It makes it sound as if it is some kind of inborn deficiency. It’s not your ear that is the problem. Your problem is that you haven’t developed the skills and didn’t prepare. You dived into the Olympic swimming pool without knowing which stroke you were supposed to swim. How about if I suddenly dived into the pool in the 100 meter butterfly, just to find my self violently flapping my arms in a desperate attempt to avoid swallow the entire pool, and all I can think of is if anyone will throw me a floating device within the next four seconds. Then afterwards someone would give me the advice: “Hey, your problem is that your arms aren’t in tune with your legs” Well, duh, thanks for the tip, buddy.
Most swimmers would be recommended to start learning and practicing in the local pool – preferably under the guidance of someone who can teach it. How about we adopt the same philosophy for singing?
I love to sing and really it’s a dream of mine to sing and make people happy when they listen to me sing and make my mum proud of me, but I don’t feel right now it is something I will ever do!
And there we have it. The child who is judgmental about him/herself is the child who is afraid of making mistakes. The child who is afraid of making mistakes is so because of the need to receive approval. A child who grows up to believe that the way he draws, sings or behaves is to make people happy, is the child who becomes programmed to believe that he isn’t good enough. This child will always seek external approval. This is what we call low self-esteem. This is the person who grows up to seek instant gratification, who needs to be in the limelight and shoots himself in the foot every time, or goes on hiding from himself and others. This person will get caught in a trap of seeking quick-fixes rather than enjoy long term processes – such as intense preparation. The person who is afraid of making mistakes inevitably makes a lot of mistakes – she attracts more of it.
Pride might seem honorable. However, the truth is that pride is a negative emotion. It is something far different from positive states of acceptance, joy and love. (That’s for another discussion.)
And for you who are reading this: Please don’t fall into the trap of blaming/ judging the parent. The story may be completely different from another person’s point of view.
The need for approval – the need to be loved – is immensely common for most people. Those of you who have followed my program have learned that the first step to rapid learning as well as peak performance is to give yourself permission to “fail”.
Once you do, you can let go of judgment and instead become AWARE. Now we can go to a fearless state of discovery and rapidly improve body and mind. Now we can become real winners. Winners aren’t afraid of losing.
I was thinking of getting singing lessons to help with my voice my confidence and my shyness , but I thought I’d get your opinion to weather I should as you have a lot of experience? Do you think it's something that can be fixed or is it just that I can’t sing?
There is no such thing as can or can’t sing, just as there is no such thing as can or can’t play tennis. Some play for recreational reasons, some like to compete. One person may practice 3 hours a day and another might play once every other month. Both can enjoy it immensely. I believe singing and developing the ability to sing with greater freedom can be an incredibly empowering activity that transforms us beyond making pretty sounds. If you want to sing to experience a greater freedom to your body and mind and experience the true joy of music and free expression, then yes, I highly recommend it.
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Deb Mulka
14. Sep, 2010
Hi Per, thank you for all you do for us performers. I have a girls group, The WhatAbouts, we sing 60's girl group music and have been together for 4 1/2 years. We are from the Detroit area. We have been having lots of fun and we have been playing some awesome venues. I remember when we first started out, we had potential. If we didn't practice together twice a week and on our own, I don't believe we would be were we are at today.
I can tell you that each time we sing together, the first song is always nerve racking in the way of nervousness. After that, we have a blast! We practice our harmonies, and skits and try to always make them the best they can be. Yes, we make mistakes and perhaps we are the only ones who knows that has happened. We just keep moving forward, smiling, engaging our audience and fulfilling our dream. Yes it is hard work but the payoff is fantastic.
I feel to know that anyone will feel a little nervous when singing in front of people and to get over that, you must take each opportuntiy to sing in front of people to help you get over that feeling. It helps build your confidence in what you can do, repetition is key, make yourself do it!!
Practicing is another key, if you don't, you won't remember your words, dances, notes, etc. If you want to be your best, take all your opportunities you have and go for it.
Per, I have purchased your material and now that I am graduating from college in November, I will be able to put your material to great use. I would love to be able to sing and know exactly what I am doing and why.
I appreciate all you do, check out our website. Our videos are from last Christmas and we have changed and grown a lot since then. We just keep trying to make things better; there is always room for improvement.
dondon
31. Aug, 2010
hi Per nice blog i like it. maybe you can help me as well since i am also playing guitar and singing at the same time with Christian songs as my problem is sometimes i cannot reach the high note. is it maybe lack of air or breathing or anything else? Please send me your response on my email; valentinf@alj.com. thanks. God bless!!!
Iva
30. Aug, 2010
Wow all these articals are amazing and the testimonies are very inspirational!!
Kristina_Acoustic
27. May, 2010
Hi, Im a Guitarist/songwriter/Preformer,
I started last year in August, and Preformed 2times a week and took a long break in Jan. and Havnt wrote any songs, Struggled with my voice and songwriting, Which is why i found this website, This really helps a lot,
My problem is i dont know whats holding me back, of going and preforming when i can 2 a week. Before i started getting lessons befor i played guitar I walked into a open mic and sang accapella everybody stopped and just stared, I had to say I was verry Nervous and extereamly enbarrassed, My point first time Preforming i made a fool of myself in my opinion.
I was told to come back! and learn how to play something. I got a guitar started learning and everyweek id come back with new songs, People said i had a nice voice, i had Potential, and i was getting really good!
But my problem started; I was practicing and all my songs sound lame, i dont think there that good, I started not to like my voice, so i took a break in Jan. now it is may and I cant find the words to write a song along with a chord progression for guitar, i just dont like how the guitar sounds anymore or my voice,
but i am working on it, i dont know if it's a phase, what ever it is i hope it goes away, i want to go back to how things were in aug. write songs, preform, have fun
karen
22. Apr, 2010
hi i am really good at singinng but i feel that i need help with my tune and confidence i really beileve in myself but my mind is beating what i bieleve in. Can u help me?
Edie
19. Feb, 2010
I am a beginner as far as lessons go, but I have been a singer for fun all my life. I did sing in chorus, choir, harmony 3, 4 and so on. I lost my voice and have not been able to sing aloud in front of people for at least eleven years now,,,with a couple of exceptions that went pretty well. I do not want to be famous, but I do want to enjoy singing again. I am just beginning and my success story is on it's way,,,,,I'll run the race and I will win or maybe not, but to be sure,,,,I WILL RUN THE RACE TO THE END,,,,,and I will enjoy it. Thank you for these lessons, you have opened my eyes and now, my journey begins. Yea!!!
john zacharias
19. Feb, 2010
Your comment about "there's no such thing as a bad singer" is so not true. My brother in law cannot hold a tune, no matter how he tries, it's simply not there for him. I've tired to coach him on on some simple methods but it does not work. But, that does not stop him from trying, much to the chagrin of those around him! I noted that you post nothing but glowing and positive comments, surely someone out there must dissgree with something you do?
phil stilliard
16. Feb, 2010
Hi Per and everyone else
I have sung a few solos, but never as a soprano at Hereford Cathedral where I sang in the Three Choirs festival four times before my voice broke. I was head chorister for 25 months. After my voice broke, I gave up, until in church one day, someone said 'you.ve got a nice voice', so I joined the choir. Our chior director writes music, he wrote, directed and conducted The Job Story, 1 1/2 hours, I sang Satan!!, I needed the mike in front of 200 audience, the other soloists were pros, and did not need a mike. That was a huge coup for amateur me. I also sang other solos, How lovely are Thy Dwellings (Psalm 84), and You are my Heart's delight (Franz Lehar) I want to be able to sing the tenor part in The Pearl Fishers, with a top b flat, and Nessun Dorma, but I need help with those.
Esther
14. Feb, 2010
Thank you Per for your unteresting article and convincing video to which I absolutely agree.
I wish you,of course,a Happy New Year and a Very Happy Valentine Day – Mind the process!
Esther
Peter Thomas
08. Dec, 2009
After just three weeks doing the first three lessons of the Singing Zone, I have more confidence with my voice now than in many years. I am in my fifties and have suffered with chronic laryngitis since I was a young boy. I recently posted this at the Community page at the Singing Zone Web site, but want to post it here as well. Here goes …
I have just begun my Third Lesson and am continuing to experience miracles both big and small. I even had a “voice emergency” over a stressful Thanksgiving family gathering – “losing my voice”. But by going back to the first and second CD’s I was able to see what had happened, and bring my voice back to the richness I have been experiencing.
When I was a young boy, I loved to sing. I grew up near New York City and my parents took me to see so many of the classic Broadway Plays: My Fair Lady with Julie Andrews and Rex Harrison, Camelot with Richard Burton, Julie Andrews and Robert Goulet, Peter Pan and The Sound of Music with Mary Martin, Oliver and many others. I would play the records and sing literally for hours. Unfortunately, I developed chronic laryngitis, to the point where I completely lost my voice. My father took me to nose and throat doctors, speech therapists, vocal coaches. But it did little good. So the doctors told my parents I was to sing very little if at all, otherwise I would damage my voice.
My father is a well known voiceover narrator still working on network television and on PBS programs such as Nova. He has a beautiful voice, but I think of all the years of trying to emulate his resonance, I actually strained my vocal cords and developed ingrained, destructive habits. And through my adult years, I have continued to have regular bouts of chronic laryngitis.
I eventually stopped seeing throat doctors who could find nothing wrong. In my twenties, I studied for three years in New York with a voice teacher who had me on the floor with books on my belly, tightening my abs and shouting ‘HO!”, reading tongue twisters in a forceful way. I would leave each lesson with a weak, tired voice. It was frustrating and discouraging. On my own, I studied the Kristin Linklater method, which did no good. I studied the Lessac Method and Alexander Technique, which helped a bit, but did not stop the hoarseness from returning. There was one method that actually taught to slide two fingers down the tongue, deep into the throat to massage the root of the tongue. That, of course, did not help at all.
In just three weeks of The Singing Zone with Per, I have been able to find a richness, resonance, and freedom in my voice which I have never before experienced – after decades of searching desperately for help. (In fact today I had a long recording session narrating a short documentary, and my voice was free and rich.) I thought I had studied every method there was, but the principles I am learning are all new to me. I was never taught to isolate the vocal cord muscles and to feel them opening and closing. I was never able to release the tension in my tongue, throat, and neck. I have finally found help after so many years of searching.
In the last weeks, I have discovered an ease not only in my voice, but in my self-expression and emotions. There is a lightness. I can speak, read and sing all day with little vocal fatigue, and with a soothing resonance. Sometimes in the evening, my voice feels a bit tired, but as I’m continuing with the Bristow Method, it is getting less noticeable. I sometimes go back to the ingrained patterns, but am able recognize them and go back to the new habits.
I am thrilled and looking forward to the upcoming lessons and the joy of freedom in my speaking and just living. And I'm singing throughout day, even in the shower and the car, with no vocal fatigue, and actually a wonderful sound. What has happened for me has been magical. The joy of singing should be for everyone, not just professionals. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Per!