To Sing With Confidence? What Does It Take?
Posted on 20. Nov, 2009 by Per Bristow in Performance, Singing
What does it really take to become a good singer? The world is after all full of people who really would love to sing, but don’t believe they can. Where does confidence come from? This is a long letter I received which I have gotten permission to publish. There are a lot of issues to address and I have gone ahead and intercepted the letter with some responses. See how this applies to you and/or people you know. here is is:
Dear Per, I was wondering if you could give me some advise on what I wrote below! I know it’s a lot but maybe you could tell me what you think as a professional! When I was younger I used to sing at home around the house to everything, then when I was 8 I recorded myself singing. I listened back to it and it sounded pretty awful and out of tune so I decided never to sing around people again.
Unfortunately, it’s more common than we may think that we make dramatic “decisions” based on some perceived “bad experience” which then affects our lives – even if it is on a subconscious level. It’s sad that this is so common when it comes to singing. We would hopefully not make the decision to stop playing basketball because we happened to miss the first shot we tried? In your case it has nothing to do with your singing ability, but your tendency to make such a judgment about yourself. (As you will see below, there is a reason for this).
Now I’m learning to play acoustic guitar and I sing at home to my CDs. I can reach the high notes the same as the singers singing the songs. Even though I don’t know what it sounds like to anyone else! But I noticed I can’t sing the same when I sing on my own.
Yes, singing a capella (without accompaniment) is a far more advanced skill than singing to music. In The Singing Zone I provide an ear training course, rhythm training course and a music theory course in addition to the voice training, so that you develop these skills also.
A few years back my mom made me enter X factor. I didn’t want to, I don’t have much confidence, I’m quite shy, and I’ve never sung in front of anyone, but I went along. I didn’t have a song prepared, but went with Dimming of The Day. The 3 judges were listening very attentively and I was shaking all over! I got to the chorus but couldn’t reach the high note. It was screechy and out of tune and one of the guys was laughing at me! All I could think about was getting out of the room!
So you made a fool out of yourself. Terrific. Welcome to the club. Now, it might be interesting to know that professionals prepare extensively while beginners tend to wing it. Successful people prepare to succeed. Did you prepare to succeed? Apparently not. It seems pretty obvious you would fail. How could you not? This has nothing to do with your potential to sing. And singing off key and not “reaching” high notes is far more a muscle/mind issue than an ear issue.
Now, why is it that so many want to put themselves in similar situations, but do not want to work hard to prepare? Why do so many seek fame without having done their home work? (you’ll find part of the answer below)
I got some advise and was told the reason that what I hear sounds good but what comes across in the recording and maybe to other people (as I’ve never been told what I sound like) is bad, is because my inner ear isn’t in tune?
Why would it be in tune if you have never sung before, especially a cappella in front of people? It makes it sound as if it is some kind of inborn deficiency. It’s not your ear that is the problem. Your problem is that you haven’t developed the skills and didn’t prepare. You dived into the Olympic swimming pool without knowing which stroke you were supposed to swim. How about if I suddenly dived into the pool in the 100 meter butterfly, just to find my self violently flapping my arms in a desperate attempt to avoid swallow the entire pool, and all I can think of is if anyone will throw me a floating device within the next four seconds. Then afterwards someone would give me the advice: “Hey, your problem is that your arms aren’t in tune with your legs” Well, duh, thanks for the tip, buddy.
Most swimmers would be recommended to start learning and practicing in the local pool – preferably under the guidance of someone who can teach it. How about we adopt the same philosophy for singing?
I love to sing and really it’s a dream of mine to sing and make people happy when they listen to me sing and make my mum proud of me, but I don’t feel right now it is something I will ever do!
And there we have it. The child who is judgmental about him/herself is the child who is afraid of making mistakes. The child who is afraid of making mistakes is so because of the need to receive approval. A child who grows up to believe that the way he draws, sings or behaves is to make people happy, is the child who becomes programmed to believe that he isn’t good enough. This child will always seek external approval. This is what we call low self-esteem. This is the person who grows up to seek instant gratification, who needs to be in the limelight and shoots himself in the foot every time, or goes on hiding from himself and others. This person will get caught in a trap of seeking quick-fixes rather than enjoy long term processes – such as intense preparation. The person who is afraid of making mistakes inevitably makes a lot of mistakes – she attracts more of it.
Pride might seem honorable. However, the truth is that pride is a negative emotion. It is something far different from positive states of acceptance, joy and love. (That’s for another discussion.)
And for you who are reading this: Please don’t fall into the trap of blaming/ judging the parent. The story may be completely different from another person’s point of view.
The need for approval – the need to be loved – is immensely common for most people. Those of you who have followed my program have learned that the first step to rapid learning as well as peak performance is to give yourself permission to “fail”.
Once you do, you can let go of judgment and instead become AWARE. Now we can go to a fearless state of discovery and rapidly improve body and mind. Now we can become real winners. Winners aren’t afraid of losing.
I was thinking of getting singing lessons to help with my voice my confidence and my shyness , but I thought I’d get your opinion to weather I should as you have a lot of experience? Do you think it's something that can be fixed or is it just that I can’t sing?
There is no such thing as can or can’t sing, just as there is no such thing as can or can’t play tennis. Some play for recreational reasons, some like to compete. One person may practice 3 hours a day and another might play once every other month. Both can enjoy it immensely. I believe singing and developing the ability to sing with greater freedom can be an incredibly empowering activity that transforms us beyond making pretty sounds. If you want to sing to experience a greater freedom to your body and mind and experience the true joy of music and free expression, then yes, I highly recommend it.
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srinu
02. Dec, 2009
hi…
i am not able to sing with high notes and my voice is not cooperating with the song
what should i do to be the best singer? i read all articles were so amazaing
Marie-Alice Marcel
29. Nov, 2009
Hi Per,
I have the tendency to make a judgment about myself. Now, gradually I feel more confortable and try to leave my fear away. It's all about confidence.
Thank you for your comments.
Marie-Alice
Bill Hayman
27. Nov, 2009
Very often I loose the placement of the voice, and I can't seem to get it back on track. If I don't try to sing for a couple of days, the positioning of the voice comes back. Then a couple of days later, I can't get my voice to work properly and can't find the positioning again. I am afraid to sing in front of people as I never know when my voice is going to let me down.
Vanessa
26. Nov, 2009
Hi
I don't know why people expect to be a "natural" singer and for that to be enough! I was – what you say about being aware of what you do in your body to produce different types of sound, feeling how breathing works – I did all that as a child, so by the time I was 9 I had a lot of knowledge and people thought I had a very mature voice for my age – a "natural" singer (I trained myself to a degree). However when I was 17 I went poorly prepared into a competition and the comments I received were more than just disappointing – they were cruel. I did not sing solo again for 20 years.
A few years ago I sang in front of an audience of 300 people, (don't know how I agreed to it) and though I was shaking and breathless at the beginning, by the end I was just singing the emotion of the song – I knew what I wanted to do with it and had the plan firmly in my head. I see it as a life-changing moment – I left those body-shaking cringe-making andrenelin-pumping nerves behind me and it has freed up my life. Now I have survived those nerves I can do lots of things I though I would never do, because I know I can overcome the nerves. I am more confident at work – whereas I could not speak in meetings before; I stand in front of a group of singers and direct (though that takes some getting used to) and I sing in a quartet, which would have been very difficult before. Each thing has developed over time and was not an overnight change – each experience builds into the next. The point is to see things as part of a long process, (not just singing) each event as an opportunity to learn – the next event is not the last one, and preparation is the key – you have to know you can do it and that the effects of feeling judged can be overcome. A bit like exposure therapy for phobias.
Just thought I would share
Vanessa (UK)
Laurent
26. Nov, 2009
I concur totaly, the best confidence is the one that comes from achieving something (you are yourself proud of) and then having the pat on the back from people you appreciate. And this usually only comes after going thru the learning curve and of course failing a bit on the way before finally succeeding. So how can you expect a child to get up there from the start? it's unrealistic, so the proper way must be to encourage your child, over and over again to carry on trying, and compliment every progress. And of course use professional advice in the first place !
Per, it is your take on life that draw me to the training course a year ago, and I'm grateful for the web allowing me to benefit from this training thousand of miles away, keep up the good work.
Warm regards, Laurent (UK)
Anna Buckley
25. Nov, 2009
I love the line 'Successful people prepare to succeed'. I completely agree, but unfortunately this also happens in the opposite-if all you think about (or fear) is failing, then of course that’s what will happen-but turn that around and you have the key!
Nice one Per-we love your posts!
X anna X
MaxxNY
24. Nov, 2009
Confidence = kill your ego. Its your biggest enemy. I have fun with it. Dont take myself too seriously, stick my finger in my ear, let her rip and let the chips fall where they may. I like this guy Per. Kudos
Thomas
24. Nov, 2009
Hi Per, This old man is 80 years of age and due to unforeseen circustances was unable to carry on with your fantastic method of teaching. 2006 -2008 I made an LP containing 14 songs which turned out to be rubbish, but, since having had your tuition my voice is now worth listening to. What an improvement.
Thank You
tracyann
24. Nov, 2009
HI PER HOW ARE YOU I READ ALL THE COMMENTS AND I COULD REALLY RELATE TO WHAT THEY ARE SAYING …I LOVE SINGING I REALLY DO FOR SOME REASON IT RELAX ME BUT MOST OF ALL I HAVE A PASSION FOR GOSPEL MUSIC I SING IN THE CHURCH BUT I GET SO NERVOUS AT TIME I NOW I NEED VOICE LESSON AND I AM LOOKING AROUND MY AREA BUT NO LUCK YET I READ ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME AND YOU INSPIRED ME ALOT ..I REALLY WANT TO LEARN SINGING IS A WOUNDERFULL THING IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY ….ALL I NEED IS THAT EXTRA PUSH TO GET ME UP LIFTED WHEN I SING I SING UNTO GOD ….BUT I WOULD REALLY WANT TO GET THE MESSAGE THOUGH TO OTHER ..HELP ME TRACY…TBROWN@HPPARTNERS.COM
Marti
24. Nov, 2009
I totally agree. Those early experiences can, for better or worse, shape "who we think we are" at all levels, and boy, does that show up immediately when we put ourselves in any performance situation! Getting to another place, for me, has been two sided. Putting in the Practice, Patience and Perseverence, as Prochy Master says so beautifully in his comment, and finding ways to "change my own mind" about who I am and who I can be. The two sides go hand in hand and each contributes to the other. The better I do over time, the more open my mind is to a different idea of myself. The more open I am to a different idea of myself, the further I can venture forth in my abilities. The point is to have that go in a positive direction rather than a negative one! Yes? I want to thank you for the new approach to singing you have given me. It has been a real contribution to my growing ability to sing with ever increasing comfort and confidence.
feven
24. Nov, 2009
dear per, this is the best thing i ever get to see and learn but i wish u could have more vedios on it for practical learning but its still the best thing on the web
and ask questions and listen to there voice and make people get free practical education
feven
24. Nov, 2009
dear per, this is the best thing i ever get to see and learn but i wish u could have more vedios on it for practical learning but its still the best thing on the web
Kathy Lapp
24. Nov, 2009
Hi Per,
For me, confidence in my singing ability came through technical mastery of breath, pitch, and resonance, with years of vocal training and regular practice.
Confidence in my singing performance comes through focusing on filling the meaning and intention of the words, and blessing my audience, while performing.
Confidence in myself comes as listen to and obey my Heavenly Father, whose will and desires for me are revealed as I pray and read the Holy Bible.
Thanks for your course Per. You seem like a fine teacher. I would like to meet you some day.
Kathy L
israel
24. Nov, 2009
Hi per. thanks 4 the awerness i have about my voice by using ur method.however,i believe in growth in anyhing you want to do in life.
lucky
24. Nov, 2009
Dear, p,
With Confidence?
first of all …learn. Music literacy ….
Not to do in the same time Then you can be learning to play or sing….
Best
lucky v.
ruth
24. Nov, 2009
Hello Per,
Thanks so much for sharing the article. I totally agree. I find the input very helpful and motivating. Very good comments as well.
thanks again!!
James Humphrey
24. Nov, 2009
Hi Per,
I regret to say that I have not been able to purchase your "Singing with Freedom" just yet but I am saving for it though. I imagine that I am not the only person intrigued with your blog (and the comments you have to share in your e-mails) who comes from the UK. I am 17 years of age and am currently doing an acting course so the voice and projection matters a lot to me and improving is a part of my everyday.
I enjoy performing to many people and when on stage or being filmed I don't mind, but it's only after when I think about how my voices sounded to everyone who listened. So thank you so much for these comments everyone and thanks Per.
Prochy Master
24. Nov, 2009
Hi Per,
Thank you so much for this article, which is truly inspiring and motivating, as usual, like all your other articles in the Singing zone. After reading all the comments given above, I find that many people just give up on singing just because a parent, teacher or someone in authority told them that they sounded terrible or 'had no ear for music.' As a French Teacher, I find that it is really important to motivate your students, no matter what their level and I always keep telling them, "Hard work always beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard." As a result of this, I've found that many fairly average students have performed really well in their exams, just because they have been encouraged to put in their best. Thus, whether it is a matter of singing, learning a new language or a new skill like playing the Guitar or Keyboards, the secret is following the 3 P's: Practice, Patience and Perseverance. No-one can become a singing star overnight and I have no patience with parents who push their children into situations where they may be humiliated, just because they were not prepared. In India, on every TV channel, we have these Reality shows for Singing or Dancing, where really young children take part and some of the Judges are quite nasty and this can have a very harming effect on sensitive children, like the one who has written to you.
As far as my own singing experience is concerned, I think singing songs can be a very powerful tool, while teaching a foreign language and so I love to teach French Songs to my students. They learn to pronounce correctly and also pick up a bit of vocabulary and grammar along the way. We all sing with a lot of gusto and no-one cares if they are on key or not and surprisingly sometimes we actually sound quite good. However I know my limitations as a singer and so I have joined Per's course and am really enjoying it. I have no intention of ever going up on stage and singing to a packed audience. I sing only for the love and joy of singing and to teach my students and who knows, one day in the near future, with all the warm-up exercises and the practice I am doing, I may actually sound pretty decent.
HIlary
24. Nov, 2009
Thanks for all the comments! It has made me realise how important it is for me to take special care of my daughter's wonderful creative spirit and allow her the freedom to explore sound without the inhibitions of 'getting it wrong'. She already does this very strongly with visual arts – is there anything I can do in particular to help her explore sound and music in the same 'free but focused' way that she does with art? (She is 5 by the way)
Dave
23. Nov, 2009
This is a great topic, confidence and how different recording sounds. I've been singing since I was three and at one time had a great range, Dave Meniketti of Y&T wanted me to sing for him, until I blew my voice out trying to sing through a bad PA and the bad habit of smoking (quit 16 years ago). I am still trying to find that great falsetto/head voice that I had.
As for what you hear sounding awful to you…that is true for me as well (I have been singing for 53 yrs). I have learned to let other people offer their opinions, and for the most part they tell me I have a beautiful voice (thank GOD). When I master my recordings, I try to use the eq's and the effects tastefully and play it back on a boom box with the eq set at zero.
Confidence is something that comes with time or a great gig. My first band did a great gig where the people started giving us a great response the minute the curtain opened (I had played on an intimate level for everyone in the crowd at the local parks). A great crowd gives enhances a great performance from you. Draw on it when it happens for the next gig, and the next gig, and the next gig… preparation and warm up also sets the "stage" as well. I have also been blessed to work with some really great musicians. But if you set yourself up to have fun, prepare and practice, and enter into your performance with the attitude of giving the people more than their money's worth…you will set yourself up for a successful performance every time. A friend of mine gave me this tidbit as well, "The only difference between a professional and an amateur is recovery time"…everyone makes mistakes. Now I play mostly in the church/Christian/evangelizing arena. In playing for GOD, I just ask to be in His presence and let Him anoint/bless the people He has me playing for. Main thought is no pressure; relax and have fun.