For Singing and Life: What Prevents Success?
Posted on 06. Dec, 2007 by Per Bristow in Uncategorized
I’d like to share a fascinating email I received the other day…
What drives us to succeed and what hinders our success? The two all-time great excuses we all hide behind are lack of time and money.
Here’s an experiment for you to try: When someone tells you they would like to do something but don’t have time, offer to do something to eliminate the time obstacle. I can almost guarantee that you will receive another excuse. If someone tells you they don’t have enough money, offer them the money and you’ll see how the person will find another excuse. Lack of time and money is never the real reason we don’t follow through on ideas, plans, goals and dreams.
So I received a fascinating email the other day – a beautiful example….
A subscriber emailed me and was concerned about the fact that she runs out of breath when she sings. She wondered what kind of breathing exercises she could do to help her problem.
Anyone who has done my online singing course or who has studied with me privately knows the answer to her question. In fact, this issue is so easily fixed that most people experience a dramatic change after the very first lesson. The reason for this is that it has nothing to do with impaired breathing. Knowing how easily this would be fixed for her I made her an offer I seldom make – I offered her the course for free.
Here is her response:
"sure you may be right.But as you can probably tell I’m not on this computer much and watching you takes up time.I really am interested but all my money goes to sports and helping others.I trying out for basketball, volleyball, chorus, and maybe softball so as you can see i really dont even have time to breathe. I know you could have helped me and i thank you for trying but you see most of your customers may not always understand what your saying or how to do it and that’s how I am.It was be wasting my money…"
Phew. Isn’t it fascinating that one excuse piles up on the next in a rambling fashion as if desperate to come up with something. Obviously, all my customers understand what I’m saying or else they wouldn’t be my customers. But why would you label yourself as “I don’t’ understand and that’s how I am”? It’s also fascinating that although I offered her the solution for free, she still rambles on about money.
Now before we judge her, we should realize that this is how our minds often operate. We ramble on searching for excuses, searching for justifications to why we don’t follow through on tasks, or why we don’t follow our dreams.
So what can we learn from this?
How about we look to inside? Do you feel you are living the life you want? Do you blame lack of time and money? Catch yourself next time you make these common excuses and ask what is really stopping you?
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Bee
07. Feb, 2008
I can understand somewhat more of the girl who wrote the negative or nasty e-mail as you may have perceived it to be. I do agree with you and others that she is making excuses, she’s human & obvioiusly struggling with finding who she is. She may not have had any success at much yet so she may not have any experience with following thorugh for fear of failure, even though you were so kind and genrously offered it to her for free. Having a young adult offspring who is the light of my life(one of them, I have two children!) who struggles with a significant language learning difference, I think the girl may have a real struggle with conveying her thoughts. She may need help with focusing. She may have really been explaining who she is as she percieves herself and to her it is real. She most likely did not and is not recieving the support she needs to have success with really looking at her strengths and weaknesses. She may be on her own trying to compensate and is coming up short. To me, from our personal experience, it sounded more like it was frustration not being nasty. Just the thoughts of a mom who has experience ( sadly) with observing some of the same heartaches first hand. Mine is really looking toward some creativity as so many things are difficult and his self-image suffers and he is maddening handsome and doesn’t see it, he has a heart of gold and constantly doubts himself. I know he has much to offer the world and we are navigating this world together. He has an interest in singing and playing instruments yet he’s only briefly tried the drums, has the electric guitar which hooks up to video games? and he is on the computer and always checking out movies and singing artists. It is his passion. Of course he dreams of being famous. Either way he’d enjoy the experiences. He has an auditory processing difficulty too, so only God knows how it will work for him, yet he has a passion and a dream. He began piano w/ a slight interest and then when he needed credits for high school he began instruction a bit more seriously as he needed to log hours and he has his credits and has continued with the lessons 2x weekly. I beleive from there he will learn notes in music and hopefully pursue other instruments & or singing! I singed up for this newsletter becasue of hsi interest. I have not yet looked to see how expensive this ocurse is and need to know more of how it works to see if he can benefit from the type of instruction. Where can you direct me to find out this information and if there is a return policy. He does need one to one instruction at most things w/ much repetition. I am proud to say he practices the piano independently and it brings him peace & relaxation as he stresses alot trying to compensate for things which are not easy for him. Sadly during your school years much of your confidence comes from how well you do w/ academics or a sport etc. He mirrored his academic difficulties with everything in life. He does not have a clear strength to compensate so much of what he tries comes with a price. I think he’s amazing; he still perserveres and is one funny kid! He loves movies and music and has many funny things to relate to and can work them in at just the right time, we’ll be doubled over! He has a great smile! He learns best with repitition and so he watches and listens over and over again. That is one learning strength and yet it’s time consuming. He has the time, we realize he’s on his own timeline. We cherish who he is as a person and am thankful we’ve been chosen to share in his life. He’s a joy to be with and is always willing to find ways to explore to keep trying at something. Although most times he can work independently he does need someone other than his parents checking in to keep him on track as he’ll lie to himself that he is doing all he can. Others need to believe in him so that eventually he will believe in himself! We’re all so very different! I don’t know why Jeff is being tested right now in the disaster of losing his home and security and I’ll keep him and others in my prayers, he has found his strength and is finding out what he can accomplish and I pray he’ll be rewarded even if it’s just confidence to have made it and helped others along the way, it could be much more. We go thorugh things and some of us gain invaluable information on which to grow from. I am a much more calm, compassionate person and realize there is much good in the world and try really hard not to judge others even those in the school systems whom I honestly beleive are failing these kids. I don’t believe the kids are to blame for failing. I removed my son from public school in the third grade w/o the ability to read. I hired a tutor and he read a book in ten hours from cover to cover. He then attended a private language based school for the next four years and we continued to tutor him in reading. He left there frustrated on many levels; one being he felt he was treated like a baby. Those are his words, mine are they did not respect his capabilities or him as a learner or as a person. He has at least average cognitive abilities and trouble executing his expressive and receptive language etc..He remembers things but can’t always locate that particular file system in a timely manner. I do that too! We all have somehtings, he seems to have a few that give him a run for his money! Once again, we left that school after trying to work out a reasonable solution to no avail. He was tested in math at age 14 & his score was .08% HEARTBREAK!!! This was a specially designed school for kids with language issues. I never warmed up to these people and felt I had no other options. Until I had enough and walked without anyone in our corner & I had no money left and no support and still felt as if nothing was better than this. I considered it a waste of my son’s time. To top it off I felt they had such a well-meant rigidiity that they were harming his personality. (Adding insult to injury) To me it was bad enough they failed to teach him. Beleive me when I tell you how I saw no way out and was adamant to make the move I did. I kept thinking God didn’t make me see this and not want me to do something! I dind’t have time for church even, I know it sounds like an excuse, it’s real, too exhausted to do anymore than I was doing & without any emotional support I was spent! I knew in my heart if this child had only one person believe in him; he’d be okay! I have faith! I just prayed I didn’t make mistakes that hurt him in the future. So far, I don’t see evidence of that and I keep praying! We keep searching! I must tell you the math teacher validated my son’s thoughts & my beliefs, after less than a year of workign for 2.5 hours weekly his score went to the 63%!!! From.08% Most regular ed kids make a year’s progress in a year’s time and most sped kids make 1/2 year progress in a years’ time are considered on target, he rose to almost a high school level in under a year. The tutor was willing to work with me and my son and was a dedicated, loving, understanding as well as an encouraging person who treated my child with respect for who he was as a person and a learner! It is insane to continue to do the things which have not worked in the past hoping for a different outcome! I think we’ve learned invaluable lessons and we are close! We have our moments, almost daily!!! heheheh but it’s all we know how to navigate without a guide! I’m glad you don’t judge, I was happy to see that. It makes the world that much harder for others. Let me know where I can sample the lessons please, my son may have an interest. Currently we can’t think of coming to CA or having lessons just yet. If it’s meant to be , in time it will be, we’ll just keep exploring. thanks!
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28. Dec, 2007
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hildog
12. Dec, 2007
First, I am so sorry for Jeffrey but he sounds like a very strong person. How can we help?
Second, I think Per is such an awesome teacher and, having met him, I know he is sharing some amazing truths learned in sports and music.
Last, it is scary to commit to a goal and make it happen. Why???? I think it is a fear of what others will say or think about our choices. Otherwise, we would all follow our hearts 100%. I always tell myself “this is what I want” and then fear comes over me “What if I can’t make enough money, what if people don’t think I’m successful enough…” Well, there are no guarentees in anything, even in becoming a lawyer or a doctor.
SO, do everything to your best ability and you will rise… in your own esteem.
Dianne Miller
10. Dec, 2007
I forgot to add this.
http://www.businessleadermagazine.com/index.aspx?page=articles.sep05.sept05_TopTenFearsThatPreventSuccess
Diane Miller
10. Dec, 2007
Isn’t it so true that people are so good at making excuses for whatever the subject might be.
People are afraid to take action and then it is when excuses are handy- oh and let’s not forget blame.
I will take action today and do something I have been wanting to do for a long time. I am going ice-skating!
Jeff, my thoughts go out to you and I love you stating it as a “delay”
Thank you for sharing.
Kray Van Kirk
09. Dec, 2007
I just had to toss another iron on the fire, so to speak. I was just leafing through a new issue of Guitar Player that a friend of mine gave me, and was noticing the continual highlighting of all the great guitarists, including all the new trailblazers and emerging icons in various styles and approaches. My first and immediate reaction was/is one of disappointment in myself and discouragement in my abilities and progress, and I think “I’ll never be there” or “I won’t ever create something uniquely worthwhile because……I can’t play six hours a day!!” But if I follow those thoughts, I’ll never play or practice, and then I’ll DEFINITELY never create anything! And if I acknowledge the feelings but don’t allow them to control my actions, I’ll keep playing and practicing without the constant “Whatever I do isn’t good enough, because I can’t put in the time that those people do”, which will kill it all. We never see the hardships or internal programming that the great players and singers have had to overcome or with which they deal constantly (before every performance, Laurence Olivier had to go out on stage in front of the empty house and scream “I’m not afraid of you!!”). Why should we be any different?
Per Bristow
07. Dec, 2007
Great comments all. It’s really exciting and enlightening to hear different takes on issues.
I agree, Jeffrey, your issue is not an excuse but, as George points out, a priority. My heart goes out to you. There is no way we can do everything we “want” in life, and the key, I think, is to develop our self-awareness so we realize what really drives us, what really makes us happy, and what our priorities are. This way we can more easily distinguish between excuses and priorities.
Kray, it’s beautiful that you are able to use times of hardship and transform it into creative energy. And Stacy, I agree about our tendency to blame other people. After all it’s much easier to do so than to take reponsibility. Thanks for the comments.
Hey, George, can you email me? I’d love to learn more about your story.
George
07. Dec, 2007
Ultimately, it boils down to what a person’s priorities are. In the email, she makes excuse after excuse, mentioning the other things she’s involved in. A person needs to be honest enough with themselves that singing isn’t something they really want to do.
When you really want something, it eclipses everything else and you MAKE time to do it.
Per, you could probably offer to pay HER to take the course, and she’d still excuse herself out of doing it.
For me, I knew it was something I wanted and something I was supposed to do. I have consciously made time to work at it (I need to do that even more) very hard. While I don’t sing professionally, I could, even with a completely surgically altered mouth from when I was a baby. I was born with both a cleft lip and a cleft palate, but my palate was so “cleft”, there literally was no roof in my mouth at all. The surgeons cut off the front 1/4″ of my tongue and attached it where my hard palate should have been, and then formed the rest of the soft palate out of scar tissue; including the uvula. It looks like a speed bump, instead of a capital letter “M”.
All of that aside, I lead worship in my church and have been hired at a church in Wisconsin where I’ll be leading worship, teaching singing, working with the band, etc. How? I made it a priority, because I wanted to do it, plain and simple.
Stacy
07. Dec, 2007
What about the excuse of blaming other people? It’s one I am often guilty of. I’m a vocalist who’s been trying to start a band for a few years without much luck. I’ve told myself that it’s the musicians I’ve worked with that end up being not reliable or motivated, but maybe it’s something I’m not bringing to the mix. So, lately I’ve been feeling like “time” has been running out.
Prayers to Jeff above and I would think I have more time available than the last response.
Interesting
Kray Van Kirk
06. Dec, 2007
How timely this blog post is! Time and money are two easily accessible excuses for those of us not currently in a Federal Disaster area. (Jeff, my sympathies!!) Funding for my graduate work just dried up, and I am still a few years from finishing. Without that money, travel is almost impossible, and so my ability to perform is almost eliminated. Without the shows, there is very little to promote my music, and working, going to school, and being a single parent all contribute to the excuse of “no time”. There is a Japanese saying “Do not fear going slowly; fear standing still.” This is a very good opportunity to work at my music, write my songs, post them on my website, without any idea of when or how I will be able to regularly perform again, simply because doing that is where I really want to be. Which means…it’s time to throw the laundry in and then go practice!!
Jeffrey Miller
06. Dec, 2007
Some excuses are just that; excuses. Some excuses are genuine reasons that a person is delayed from doing what’s truly important to them.
I’m writing this email from a Federal Disaster area. Many like me have lost their homes and are living in Red Cross Shelters (thank goodness they have internet access!) so, right now shelter and food – let alone recovering from this disaster – are real excuses for me.
I’d love to do the singing course and I will someday, as it’s my real desire to sing better. Flood waters are just the cause of an unfortunate delay – and a legitimate excuse – for me right now. But it’s only a delay! As more critical matters are put aside (and they will be) I will get back to my life, and singing. For now, I am just happy to be alive!
Jeff
Chehalis, WA