Why Me?
Posted on 12. Dec, 2007 by Per Bristow in Performance
I’m really depressed and I need your help!
But first, in regards to my previous post, I got an angry email. The writer said I was really mean to bash people who write to me. First of all, please feel free to leave your comment on the blog. I don’t mind negative comments and I won’t delete them. We are here to have an open discussion about things. And in regards to my “bashing”, well, I obviously didn’t mention the name of the writer or give away anything in regards to her identity. However, I do admit I realized that the post might not make her feel good (if she reads it), at least not right away. Even so, I believe it was a good example and mentioning it was for the greater good, even the good of her.
I also said that before we judge her, let’s look inwards. Now, since we’re on the subject of making excuses let me tell you I never do that… so now I’m going to tell you what happened this weekend and why I am so depressed…
I’ve been coaching my oldest son’s soccer team, and let me tell you, I am really depressed. Why? Because we didn’t make the playoffs. I mean, we had a great team. I’ve spent two afternoons a week plus Saturdays, and I felt the guys learned a lot. We won a lot of games, but those two crucial games… we lost. We really should have made the playoffs. Heck, we should have been contenders to win the whole darn thing. If only we hadn’t missed a guy in those two games, and if only one of our guys hadn’t gotten hurt, there’s no way they would have beat us. In fact, if I had switched positions between two of the guys, the other team wouldn’t have scored those two goals in the first half. And if it hadn’t rained the week before, which canceled our practice, I would have been able to have told them how to defend the free-kick they scored on from right outside our penalty area.
Come to think of it, we missed another friendly game earlier because of rain, and had we been able to play that team, I would have known who to put as goalie. As a matter of fact, had we changed goalie in the fourth quarter (we play quarters) we would have had a stronger offense, and if A had played defense the whole second half when the other team had the big guy as center, there’s no way they would have scored. And if only the ball had gone a little more to the left for that awesome shot, we would have scored, not to mention the pass that just missed by an inch, and the offside which really wasn’t an offside. And it just makes me so depressed to know that if the ball had hit half an inch differently for B, and the pass would have gone to C instead he would then have passed D, since B’s pass would have made D completely free with the goalie. And let’s not forget the pass E made to B and if that pass had been one inch further, B would have had slightly more balance and that lucky goalie wouldn’t have managed to get his darn pinky on the ball as he did, and even if he had, B would have gotten the rebound, and he would for sure have scored and we would have won the game! And then I wouldn’t have to be so depressed! Damn! Which for that matter has totally messed up my creative energy, not to mention my sleep pattern, and which is probably why I screamed at my kid today, and man, it all unfair. I mean, come on we deserved to win! What have I done wrong? What have I done to deserve this?! I need your help. Please, write me a post. I’ll comment on this in a day or so. I need to go meditate.
UPDATE: Before you post a comment or make a premature judgement, make sure you have read the follow up post that was part of the 3-part series on this topic
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25 Responses to “Why Me?”
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Soph
12. Dec, 2007
It’s obvious how much time and effort both you and the team had put into this, to have achieved so much but get knocked down when it really mattered must’ve been a real blow.
What i do in situations like that is try and think about all the things i have achieved, not what i missed out on. It shows that you have a very skilled team, and it was unlucky that you didn’t make the play-offs. You can’t go back and change things that may have made a real difference, but you can learn from them.
Life isn’t fair, but there is nothing any one of us can do to change that, so we must try not to dwell on it.
Isaac
12. Dec, 2007
haha…good one, Per.
our focus determines our reality.
DR
12. Dec, 2007
Seems to me that you need to re-define what you consider to be a “win”.
Peformance… success… is that all you know? Buddy, its about being your personal best and not about being “the” best.
Someone has to win and someone has to loose. If you can only define yourself by your wins then expect a life of misery.
The greater “win” here should be all the little personal triumphs that the kids experienced along the way. Character building in the kids is what this should be about. This is about the kids, not about you.
As much as you think you are, you are not in control.
And it sounds to me that you owe your “kid” an apology.
Furthermore, I recommend that you read a book called “Wild at Heart” by John Eldridge. Do it for your son’s sake.
Stu
12. Dec, 2007
Are you serious? Really? Because of the loss of a soccer game, your depressed? While meditating, enjoy every second you have with you boy. Life changes so quickly that you (or him) could be removed from existence in a heartbeat!
The time spent together can NEVER be replaced, but I’d bet you both will play soccer again!
Be thankful for the blessing of time together.
Love and prayers…
-Stu
:o)
12. Dec, 2007
It’s good to see you’re human. Relax… My mom always asks me, “what will it matter in 10 years?” Focus on what is real. Soccer will come and go, but your son will remember your reactions.
George
12. Dec, 2007
Per,
It’s nice to know you’re human.
I can definitely relate. My boys play high school football and had an undefeated season – right up and until the state championship. They didn’t just lose the game, they got BEAT. 49 – 7. That’s a tough thing for them to handle; they had a 27 game winning streak broken.
Over the years though, I’ve taught them how to handle losses like that. Having coached basketball with them for most of all of their childhoods, I’ve always said, if you know in your gut you gave everything you had; left it all on the field/court, you did not lose, you were beaten; and that’s going to happen. At the end of the game, don’t ever come off the field/court saying I could have done more; if you know you could have, that’s a shame. But bottom line, it’s a game. Play, and have some fun.
So, that night when they came through the door, they were quiet, but it wasn’t 5 minutes and they were smiling and laughing about other stuff. As parents and coaches, we’ve got to be careful about the “reality” we allow established in kids’ minds.
Sorry for the “book”,
Hope it helps,
George
Paul
12. Dec, 2007
So much for taking risk, huh? Hard work that didn’t pay off because of “bad luck”. Shame…
Luckily this kind of depression fades away as soon as you decide that you are helpless to change the past.
Valeece
12. Dec, 2007
Hi Per…. So, I just want to say I know you are a lovely, driven, process oriented guy, but you really have to get a grip!!! Youth sports is about teamwork, skill and relationship building and most of all, FUN. If the adults in their lives keep everything in perspective, the kids will be fine. So, buck up, stiff upper lip, be greatful for what you accomplished this year and look forward to next season.
Neen
12. Dec, 2007
Oy vey!
I am half your age and know better.
not in anything other than street smarts mind you.
First of all you should have more things going for you than just helping with the team…
It’s a pity you guys didn’t make it and you must’ve worked extremely hard to get to where you were…
But you lost, people lose, people don’t make the playoffs… think of all the other people who didn’t make it.
Who don’t make other things…
It’s a fact of life I thought you’d know…
What happens when this happens is you just need to SHRUG IT OFF, you do that, you take your energy from when you lost, channel the sadness, the anger, into energy! and then with that energy go forth and try, try, try again!
work hard for next time, keep going! And don’t be so depressed about little things like this… You’re alive! You can eat! you can sleep! You have children, such a blessing! You’re not poor… You live on our mother earth, our miraculous mother earth…
you’ve no idea the stressful life I’ve been through at only half your age…I go every day trying to ignore it… because of this if something small like not making the playoffs happened… I wouldn’t care. I’d be happy just to PLAY because it is a bonus to my life. Don’t speak before you know of the thousands of others who have it worse than yourself.
When I read you were depressed I went to go read, I thought you’d have divorced with your wife, your kids hate you, you went broke and had to move.. but, nope.
Anyway, listen to me, I hope you’ve grasped my idea and understand, enjoy what you have and pity those who haven’t got it.
~Ni
Stacy
12. Dec, 2007
This is great! I love seeing that Per can have such a wild sense of humor while proving his point. Anyone who knows him or takes his course must know this post is not like him at all. He started the post out about people blaming everything besides themselves, so I doubt he would go on a rant doing just that… Beyond that, it’s interesting to read how differently people react. Good for you, Per, for getting people’s attention.
Guippy
12. Dec, 2007
Per I can totally see the humor in this. The kids will be alright and probably just wanted to have good time and make new friends.
As far as the angry email I think you did the right thing to post it. Whoever you quoted I think it made a lot of people think and react which is always a good thing.
thanks!
Terry
12. Dec, 2007
Hi Per, that was a great post!
It is amazing how easy it is to let excuses replace reality. But the reality is that it takes a lot less energy to say we were outplayed it is make think of 20 excuses. I’m not saying that it’s easier to say I’m just saying that it takes less energy. You did our best, they did their best and they won. It might be a fun little exercise to keep track of the “if I had only…” statements. I think we might be surprised at how easy excuse making comes to us in our daily lives. Thanks for the post was great,
Terry
Marty
12. Dec, 2007
Per,
I actually thought you had lost it with the soccer game. But reading a few of the comments and knowing you and knowing how old your son is, I realized you were putting us on… In the words of some hard nosed coach from a bygone era “Excuses are for losers!”. Touche’. There you have it. Or in the words of Yoda “There is no try, there is only do” or something like that. Or in the words of the famous ad campaign “Just Do It”. You may have indelicately exposed your excuse laden client, but the point is valid. From her email it is obvious she doesn’t want to work with you right now, for whatever reason. If that is the case, then she should just say it and move on. Here are a few more of my self motivating mantras: “Opporknockity only tunes once”, “If you are going to do something, do it all the way”, “It’s great to be alive, a lot people ain’t”, and my favorite from the illustrious late great Hunter S. Thompson “When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro” Onward and Upward!
Ellie
12. Dec, 2007
Per – I have know who you are for less than a month but because you are a teacher I am guessing this is a “teacher” thing. It may be a totally fabricated story or may be real with some “elaborate” additions. I am a teacher and do the same thing with my students. Anyway you want us to think about the things we think and do and how they either hold us back or empower us to move forward.
Ellie
Jeff
12. Dec, 2007
Per -
Here’s what I live by:
Failure isn’t falling down. Failure is falling down and *staying down*.
I’ve recently suffered a loss (I outlined that in a previous post here) but we’re drying out and cleaning up. Should I be depressed? Sure, it’s not unreasonable to be depressed given losing nearly everything. But here’s why I’m not depressed (and refuse to be)- My friends came together to clean out, clean up and dry out my house. They’ve shown me that I matter to them. Some have worked themselves ragged some handed me cash to help me get started again. So, why be depressed?
I’ve got my piano (it is at the studio not at my home) and my family. What else could a man want?
Niamh
12. Dec, 2007
Per,
I want to congratulate you. Judging by what you’re saying, you have a fantastic team of devoted young players. You are their inspiration, their leader and their friend. All of you worked hard as a team in an effort to reach your goal.
I know you didn’t reach that goal. But in the beginning, what was the goal? Was it the same goal as this? Did the whole team start because you all wanted to win a big fat trophy, or some other sort of external reward?
When I started playing the piano, it wasn’t because I saw one in a shop window and thought, “Wow, imagine all the prizes I’d win if I could play one of those!” Nor did I want to be better at it than anyone else for the sake of my self-esteem. I began playing for the pure love of music, and that love and enthusiasm for what I do has stuck with me ever since I made that choice.
Why did your boys start playing soccer? Was it because they thought it could make them rich and famous? Or so they could brag to their friends? And why did you start coaching them?
As far as I’m concerned, even though my first recital last August was FAR from perfect- my nerves are still terrible and I made plenty mistakes- the mere FACT that I did it, that I made my debut in the musical world and didn’t win anything or make any money, that I was living my dream… that was enough.
I didn’t spend these six years in musical training to get famous for a stunning, flawless debut. and I somehow doubt that you and the kids put all that work and co-operation into soccer just for some big shiny prize at the end of one tournament. It’s the personal acheivement that counts.
And hey- the time when one goal looses its purpose is the time for another goal to form! So it’s not an end… it’s a beginning!!
Niamh
Mike
12. Dec, 2007
I’m going to assume you’re being facetious and what’s really funny is this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Reading through that post i knew immediately the point you are making. You can think back on every variable. Every mistake that was made. Everything that was out of your control. And you have remain stuck on those things and let them alter your life. But the truth is it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is learning from your mistakes and planning appropriately for the future. As I said, this couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I am a college student and this is my exam week. I have an upper level GPA of a 4.0 and I just took an exam that may have compromised that. Last night I was tossing and turning for hours thinking about it. I kept thinking how I could have done things differently on the exam. How I could have studied one chapter a little bit more. But there really is no point in doing so. Yes it is hard to get this off of my mind (especially since i wont know what my grade is for a few weeks), but I have to realize that all I can do is resolve to study harder and work more diligently in the future.
Stu
12. Dec, 2007
So what’s your point? Was this a joke? Was this to try to make us feel better? That’s F’d up if true, because some of us are really going through serious family pains…
My problems FAR surpass a damn soccer team not making the play-offs (if, that is real…who knows?). But your not going to see me cry about it or whine about it on my blog (or play headgames with my readers, whatever the truth might be)!
So during the holiday when you look across the table and see the faces of your family, keep in mind that some of us might not have that blessing.
If it’s some cry for help, yes, indeed you do need it. I pray that you find it.
Kray Van Kirk
12. Dec, 2007
I tried to come up with something funny that would match the silliness…but I couldn’t! I’m utterly defeated!
Now…wait…should I focus on having been defeated? :-p
Lou Lou
12. Dec, 2007
Dude… It’s a soccer game…
Lauren
12. Dec, 2007
Hi there.
I’m sorry your team lost. That can be hard when you know you’ve tried your best. There’s always next year. You have to make sure you don’t keep yelling at your kid. That can really create some issues you don’t want him to experience. Be sure to resolve this with him a.s.a.p. He’s taking notes from you so also make sure you’re a gracious loser as well as a gracious winner. I was always told to lose the same way you win, and always win with a humble attitude. Your son needs to see you be okay with trying your best, or else he won’t be okay with it either. I hope you start feeling better.
Malachi
13. Dec, 2007
Per,
Thank you for this creative singing lesson.
My professional singing career has become so depressing,
because the only things I think about when I perform are
the bad things; every mistake I make, every reason I’m not
good enough, every high note not nailed, every run failed.
None of these things I focus on help me to correct my mistakes
the next time. Infact, they only help me to feel more defeated for the next show. Your blog has totally revealed my problem.
I’ve forgotten that I love to sing.
That’s why I do this, because I love to sing.
And that’s all I should focus on, that’s all I should dwell on.
Singing and making music. If I can get back to why I love to sing,
why I love music so much, the mistakes won’t be as defeating.
Even the best soccer players lose, they just lose less.
The best soccer players are the best because they keep playing regardless of wins or losses, because they love soccer!
And somewhere inside of me, I love music, I love to sing!
That’s all that matters.
You are a great teacher, Per. Thanks.
sam
14. Dec, 2007
I am sort of dissapointed in you for being depressed over losing a soccer game! If there’s anything you need to meditate about, I would hope it’s not that. If you want to set an even BETTER example for your son, I feel you should not be putting him down in any way or showing him your dissapointment. When I was little, I was an exceptional basketball player. My dad would come to every game and sit there silently, judging me. Whenever we won, he’d nod his head at me and give me a little smile, but when we’d lose he’d blow up! He would get so frusturated saying we’d worked too hard to go out there and blow it! He’d get me so stressed about sports I quit everything and pretty much kept to myself. I was never able to have a very good relationship with my father and before he died the last thing he EVER did, was look at me long and hard, frowning as if he must’ve made a mistake on me. Please don’t do this to your son.
albert
14. Dec, 2007
I agree with what Stacy said about the point you were trying to make. I’m surprised that so many of the commentors missed the comparison between the soccer game and the example you used on your blog about the girl with all the excuses—all the what if’s and why for’s. I am looking forward to hearing your response to the comments about the soccer game. Your attitude and outlook on life are an inspiration, not only in regards to singing, but to finding fulfillment in life.
Rey
01. Jan, 2008
Hoppy New Jeer! Per, let me say you are one terrific loser, I mean this in a good way. you lost but you took it way better than I would. This is my first comment post but i had to do it becouse I read about all the devotion you put into your kids life and you really wanted to win all the while theres fathers like the one that I had that never do anything with or for there kids. also you have accomplished so much in your life. Perdone mua! Your not lookin at what your kids side, the kids put the main part and you have to teach them how to deal with losing playing the game and also something thats very sensitive to them, YOU. There kids the only thing they know is mom and dad every other thought or comment doesnt have the effect to them like yours. if you enjoy the moment with them youll recive way more than just a trohpy or a championship dont get me wrong everybody aims for winning but the participation of a father in a childs life is a trophy in itself. take it from a man that cannt get the enegy to do a querter of what you described or knows how. your a terrific father. and yor not deppressed your tasting the nasty tst of defeat, if you change the way your looking at the situation you wouldnt feel like that.You could say hey son we lost this one but lets take a look at what we did wrong so we could win next time. Enjoy them while you can.