The Bristow Voice Method Blog

The Soccer Rant Revisited

Posted on 14. Dec, 2007 by Per Bristow in Performance

Wow. I guess my last post stirred the pot a little. Well, after all, I’m not here just to sugarcoat everything, but provide some challenges once in a while.

What was my problem? What was that soccer rant all about?

Before you read this post, you need to read the two previous ones or this will make no sense. First read: http://www.perbristow.com/for-singing-and-life-what-prevents-success.htm 

And the read: http://www.perbristow.com/why-me.htm

Okay now that you have done so…  what on earth was the point of this soccer rant?….

My rant seemed to have come across as either they guy who had lost his marbles or a joke. First, I really want to thank you for all your posts and words of wisdom. All comments are valid and valuable, whatever your beliefs and feelings may be. And there were certainly many different feelings about the post. Whether you felt I had a serious problem and needed mental help or you felt I was joking or being facetious, you really didn’t have opposite views, you actually saw it the same way – in the sense that someone in their right mind shouldn’t think like this, at least not write like this.   

I am here to tell you that the way I wrote is how we often think. But as you pointed out, it looks insane if someone actually dwells on it and writes about it on his blog. And although I am a little surprised by the response, especially since I started out by making the bold claim “I never make excuses” (which if it were true would put me in complete denial), it just shows how common and human thoughts like these are. The problem is that we are often unaware of how our minds spin in this kind of fashion.

We have come to believe in a world of causality. Cause and effect is what we were taught as kids, and may be true on a certain level, but only on a certain level. In my rant, I went on and on about if A happened then B would have happened and then C would have happened and if so, then D wouldn’t have happened, etc. etc. We could call that making excuses (which is how this subject started), but the point of this is to go deeper.

Cause and effect is a part of our belief system. We truly believe that if A would have happened then B would have happened. We think X happens because of Y. And with this belief we fall into the habit of thinking in “what ifs”, “if only”, “I should’ve”, “could’ve”, “would’ve” etc.  First of all, these statements relate to the past, but more importantly, they are simply not true.

If I believe that B would have scored if only A’s pass had been an inch harder, then I’m discounting the point of view from the goalie that if so he would’ve moved more to his left and reached the ball anyway… not to mention that if the ball would have gone an inch farther it might have hit the bump in the field which would have made the ball bounce… and then we haven’t even taken into account that if the butterfly had flapped his wings one second earlier in Australia, the wind might have caught the ball differently… etc..  Yes, I’m making this silly to make the point. It is easy to discount this kind of thinking as obnoxious when it comes to a kid’s soccer game, yet we justify this kind of thinking everyday when it comes to our own important issues.

If the soccer game ends 1-1 and I say “if only we would have scored in the first half we would have won by 2-1”, then I am being totally erroneous. If, in fact, we would have scored in the first half, the whole game would have changed – they would have played differently, we would have played differently, the mental game would have changed, everything would have changed. 

If something in your life had happened differently everything would have changed – for better or worse you have no idea.

The bottom line is that there is no such thing as “if only” – because you have absolutely no way of knowing. The potential circumstances in your imagination don’t exist, never have and never will.

Actors and singers who audition are being rejected over and over again – it’s just the nature of the business. The most natural thought is to walk out with the feeling of “I should’ve”, “I could’ve”, “If only”. There is certainly value in reflection, to embrace what one can learn from an experience, and to get ideas of how to prepare for next time. There is also nothing wrong with being upset and feeling disappointed. That disappointed becomes the inspiration for further growth. But to believe that B would have happened if only A would have happened is a fallacy. Worse: the belief in cause and effect doesn’t promote growth, but instead promotes paralysis.

The reason you fear missing notes, or sounding bad, or getting up on stage in front of thousands of people, is because you believe in cause and effect. You might believe someone will judge you negatively or you will be ridiculed. But the effect you imagine is complete fiction. It is your belief that creates fear, paralysis, and self-consciousness. Yes, your emotional response certainly influences the energy and the response of others, but it doesn’t cause it. I’ve seen singers who have missed notes so bad in performance but then made fun of it, whereupon it created a wonderful bond with the audience.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing emotion, but denying emotions and being unaware of them sets up problems – whether it is a trivial soccer game or a life-challenging situation. On the other hand, the more we are aware of our emotions and our belief system that triggers them, the easier we can let things go. The “if only” is a natural response, but when holding on to this belief and justifying it, it’s hard to let go of the emotional attachment, and it is hard to move on and grow from it. 

So, no, I’m not really depressed and I haven’t lost any sleep over losing the game. Nor did I write it as merely a joke, especially no joke on anybody. I wrote it to honestly illustrate what is a common response inside us – yes, me too – a response that often goes unnoticed because we are so good at justifying our beliefs. Remember, I started off by suggesting we look inside before we judge. By being aware of our own excuses, we can be more compassionate to other people’s excuses. We can also be more compassionate to our own feelings and recognize that the reason for our feelings may not be what we think they are.

We can be compassionate and honest about the fact that we all think “if only” from time to time. How often have you told yourself “if only you had had the opportunity” or “if only this hadn’t happened”? Have you ever thought “if only you had more time” or “if only you had more money”? The truth is that you have absolutely no idea what would happen or how you would feel “if only” had happened. Calling it an excuse is simplified. It really is a false idea of cause and effect embedded in our belief system.

By becoming more aware of our own feelings and belief system, of what drives us and what holds us back, we can become better in any endeavor. We can now focus on our intentions and choices that fulfills us, and on the things that we can influence. Now we can learn and develop quickly and excel in various endeavors. Now we can let go of fears. Also, by becoming aware of other people we can communicate better and attract success, and, frankly, by being more aware and compassionate of our audience we also become better performers.

So let’s go back to the soccer to close this off. My goal with this coaching experience was to bring every kid to a new level of experience of greater skills and confidence. We are talking 8 and 9 yeas olds here, and while most kids this age don’t want to be goalies because of the fear of being singled out for letting in goals, my team had 6 different goalies. Why? Because they weren’t afraid of letting in goals. No one caused the goal. Instead, the focus was on learning to dive, block and feel confident in just going for it.

While other teams put their best players in certain positions, we rotated. As a result, almost every kid scored, and everyone was highly involved in scoring. No one caused the scoring goal. One parent came up to me and thanked me, because the last couple of years his kid had always been put on defense, but now he got to attack and even score for the first time. Scoring isn’t what’s important, but knowing the important impact you have as a team member is. This is what builds confidence. Yes, we got so good that we were contenders to win the whole thing. Were we disappointed? Of course. Did our minds temporarily spin the “if only” record? Of course. But only temporarily. And if a feeling of disappointment remains, that’s okay, then it becomes a wonderful inspiration for further growth.

My players walked off that field sweaty like never before, exhausted like never before. The coach of the team that beat us came up to me and said that his team had never played better, and I believe him. And that is the beauty of sport. We are not competitors in the sense of beating each other. We compete because it makes everybody better – even the other team. Yes, we lost, but we never gave up. And as one parent said: Everyone on our team walked away with a newfound confidence as soccer players and team players, and all longing to come back to the next season. And that is winning.

So the point of this series of posts was never to bash anyone who makes excuses, but to make us aware of our belief system. This way we can be more compassionate when we hear other people’s “excuses”. I thank you all for your compassion in this matter. The best learning experience is when we get a chance to teach and help others. I hope you found that just the act of formulating your feelings, advice and comments on this subject, was valuable in helping you clarify your belief system. I found your wisdom invaluable…and funny too (Marty). Congratulations Niahm on your awesome first recital. Thanks Malachi, thanks everyone else. DR, I think you are right on, and yes, Stu, I will head your advice. In fact, this is exactly why I am devoted to coaching and teaching; to help people that may or may not be less fortunate than myself.

Feel free to share some of your “If  onlys” that  may not have been so obvious.

Love,
Per

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