A building block to character and peak performance
Posted on 04. Oct, 2008 by Per Bristow in Performance
As matter of fact, the subject matter of this post will probably make my next blog post make even more sense.… and we’ll also look at how it applies to developing your singing and performance skills
Anyway, here’s what happened…
You see, I told some parents of my son’s soccer team to shut up today. Well… I didn’t use those words, but let me explain…
For the first time this season my oldest son’s team were down, on the verge of losing and emotions were running high. We had taken the lead 1-0. Then the other team tied 1-1 and then they took the lead by 2-1
Second half, the kids were trying, but desperation started to set in. Complaints were being heard between team members and the frustration from parents became obvious. Interestingly enough, the frustrated shouts from parents were about what was going wrong. Soon, the referee’s every call was a bad call. And the kids were following suit complaining to the ref to the point that even one of our players got a yellow card.
I’m not generally the shouting kind, and had been pretty silent throughout all this, but the continuing complaints towards the referee were getting too much. So I sternly addressed the screaming dads next to me:
“Hey, stop it. We don’t want our kids to complain to the ref, so we shouldn’t either.”
- “Well this is frustrating”, one dad countered.
- “I know, but we are supposed to be role models”, I responded.
After the huddle, I approached my son and complimented him on the fact that I have never seen him hustle as he did, whereupon he mumbled a complaint about the referee.
The chat that followed is what makes this day significant, a learning experience for myself and hopefully for you to. Allow me to paraphrase the essence of our conversation:
“The great athletes and the great human beings are not the ones who win all the time. They are the ones who are able to find focus and meaning when things aren’t going well.
Anyone can be mentally strong when things go our way. But real strength is to be able to find strength when things don’t go well. It is when things go bad real friendships and teams are tested. It is when things go bad our strengths and abilities are tested. It is on bad days our goals and desires are tested.
As soon as we choose to cast blame on a teammate, a referee, or something else, we weaken ourselves. Weather the other person was right or wrong is beside the point. Plenty of people will make mistakes that affect us, or perhaps even be really mean towards us. And we are certainly entitled to experience emotions – frustration, sadness, anger, etc. But as soon as we cast sole blame on something else, we make ourselves weaker. If it is someone else’s doing that we lose, is it then also someone else’s doing when we win and do great things?
Everyone has heard the “never give up” slogan. But great athletes and great human beings don’t "not give up" just because someone have told them so. They have become great because they have constantly practiced their ability to respond on bad days.
And that is why it is called “responsibility”. Taking responsibility for bad things that happen means that we don’t blame anyone else. However, it doesn’t mean we blame ourselves either. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean we need to feel guilty when someone does something bad towards us.
Taking responsibility means just that: That what is – is. What was – was , and now we respond with ability.
The beauty is that our ability to respond is something we practice. It is a developed skill. It is something we get better at. But there is no way we can get better at it if we don’t face challenges. Your team had never been challenged before. Your team needed to lose because you didn’t know how to lose and take responsibility. Therefore, today was a terrific day. Good job!”
Now we turn to ourselves…
Many of you experience far greater challenges than a simple soccer game. You with the greatest challenges become our greatest teachers in the art of responding with ability – whatever that ability might be.
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17 Responses to “A building block to character and peak performance”
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26. Nov, 2008
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Ray Minkle
04. Oct, 2008
Dear Per,
What a wonderful piece you wrote today. Best of all it is a review of what you actually DID. I loved every thing you had to say and I hope many, many people read it and really take it to heart. I have never learned one thing from my victories but I have learned so much from those times when I did not win or the situation did not go my way. A dear friend came up with this quote when we were in high school. “Victory isn’t always in the score, it’s in our hearts and in our souls”. Thanks again for sharing your life experience. It applies to music, life, careers, marriage, relationships………..everything. With deepest gratitude. Ray Minkle, Fort Smith AR
Victoria
04. Oct, 2008
I am overwhelmed with the beauty, truth, and insight you have shared with your son, and us. I don’t believe it could have been said any better. A most valuable post!
BoogieSlim
04. Oct, 2008
Per,
nice, very very nice!
applying it might be hard, because we are so conditioned by society, family, ect. to quickly blame somebody else instead of taking responsibility and looking for the LESSON LEARNED!
but if we can learn to accept that every failure or mistake (or whatever negative might occur) is actually a stepping stone in our path of growth, well, then i would have to say, sky’s the limit.
thanks for sharin this beautiful peace of knowledge;)
p.s. on a side-note, i’m so raedy to get your course, am saving as we speak (write) but can we please get another video of you singing? thanks Per
pepo
05. Oct, 2008
HI PER,
what kind of books are you reading?
Mo
05. Oct, 2008
I have to admit that I was really defeated today..
When things didn’t turn out well I just got really frustrated. I tried not to be so emotional that time, but then failed…
It’s something that I really need to work on. I know the fact that I’m afraid sing in public is mostly because I have failed so many times in the past that I’m just so scared to fail again. It’s hard, but I hope that I’ll eventually get over it.
Anyways, thanks for sharing your day with us! XD
Yvonne Koleosho
05. Oct, 2008
This is a superb article. I am currently working on taking ‘the Nurtured Heart Approach’ pioneered by Howard Glasser a brilliant American clinical psychologist into British Schools. Your article encapsulates the approach succinctly. I know that introducing this approach in the UK will be challenging, but so many children and young people will walk away feeling valued, respected and appreciated. You taught an invaluable lesson and I am sure that it is one that will not be easily forgotten. Some of the fathers might leak negativity at future matches but you just keep leading by example and they will get the message.
William
05. Oct, 2008
I wonder if you have seen this: http://www.responsibilityproject.com/ (I think it is part of an ad campaign, but still some very good sentiments there).
The same kind of sense of “being responsible” for our actions.
Iris
05. Oct, 2008
Hi Per,
Thanks for sharing. For me this came right on time. I’m stucked in a relation issue. But now I see clearly how I have to handle. You pushed the right button
XD
Linda Sue
05. Oct, 2008
Good point, Per! Please pass this on to other Chicago Cubby fans!!!
Robin
05. Oct, 2008
Thank you for this post!
It is very helpful and has brought to my awareness the ‘not taking responsibility’ (to do with singing under stress or in bad conditions) in me. Thank you. You have given me something most valuable.
Sandra Lee
05. Oct, 2008
I loved your outlook. My husband and I are LDS Missionaries for substance abuse. One of the things that my husband says to the people we try to help is that the lopsided man looks good on the hill of sucess. Then what happens when he is not on the hill? He falls. You have to have adversity to really appreciate the good things that happens. To experience pain is to be able to have the understanding of joy. To really appreciate winning (In any situation) you have to have failure. That is what is great about us. We are allowed both here on this earth. How lucky we are!
Carola Rost
05. Oct, 2008
This view is simply brilliant! It comforts and makes strong.
Valeece
06. Oct, 2008
Nice article, Per. I truly believe that the overwhelming focus on winning and the insistence that winning is the only thing that matters, has really damaged kids and parents alike. Thanks for being the voice of reason. Hopefully all parties will take your message to heart.
Marty Ryan
07. Oct, 2008
I applaud you Mr. Bristow. Your righteous indignation was well placed at the screaming parents and your message of fighting the good fight to your son is a gem!
jess
08. Oct, 2008
Per,
Your words are very inspiring and quite timely! Thaanks for sharing.
Justin
09. Oct, 2008
Spot on Per!It is far too common for people to pass the buck and blame others.All we can do is live and learn and try not to dwell in the past.What is important is what is happening now and what we can be doing now to grow for the future.
Can I add that I am really enjoying the Sing with Freedom DVD’s with it’s natural,relaxed approach to singing as well as the connection with health and well being.